i dun know wats wrong with me...
but seems like every single thing is pissing me off!!!

the wedding is near but there are still tonnes of things to be done...
was i even this stressed during my adv. dip??

i dun remember...

start to feel like its a chore...
rather than something i am looking forward to...

maybe its towards the start of the month,
when my auntie neber fail to visit me...
i feel the same pissed feeling...

its was 2130hr and i was rushing home juz now bcoz i am on am shift tml!!!
and the night shift ppl are still not out at 2135hr!!!
my blood started BOILING(AGAIN)!!!!

haiz...

and the last patient i triaged was a freaking "F+++++++++++++" father that juz wanna "F" all the ppl around him...
i dun know wats wrong with him...

he shouted at me, "u all better treat my son properly hor!!! Recently u all got a big news say wat got children die in KKH hor!!!!"

in my heart, "hello uncle...this is a HOSPITAL... ppl dun die here, die where??? if u soooooo scare that ur son will die here, then go somewhere else lohz...who needs ur son's dead body here???"

PISSED!!!

ppl are juz so moronic and they think that they are so SMART!!!

SO SMART THEN TREAT UR OWN CHILD!!!

thats wat i hate abt morons....
act as if they know alot when they know nuts...

pissed me off fuckers!!!

this blogging during night shift thingy is a real CURSE~~~!!!!
i dun know where these "sick" kids come from...
but they seems to come here by coaches or bus....

dun come then all dun come,
but one come, all come at one go!!!

WTF!!!

there's another xiao tou coming!!!!
wah lan eh!!!
enough or not???!!
argh!!!!

and they dun seem to understand that they are suppose to get a queue number, seat down, and wait for the nurses to see them before they register...

thats so fucking irritating can!!!
every fucking time when i am half way triaging,
i gotta always look out for idiots that barge in,
looking like they lost their way in a forest or desert,
and as if their child's super fucking sick...

i got sooooo fucking pissed, i gotta stop my triaging and say, "please take a queue no first and i will call for u shortly."

wah kaoz!!!
its bloody written on the signage and cant u read it urself???


are u all illiterate or blind??


its so distracting and i cant concentrate fully on assessing my patients...

and no matter wat we do, wat signage we put or wat ever shit,
there will still be morons that are like this...

they think this is their ah gong's hospital!!!

then when asked wat is ur child's name??

"fever!! FEVER!!!"

TMD!!!!
its ur fucking child call FEVER!!!

argh!!!!

i am juz soooo fucking pissed!!!

haiz...

i think i over-worked...

i need a break..

wat i had last wk wasnt really a break...
i still gotta fucking write report for my HK trip!!!
and i am already dozing off...

haiz...

and why cant some ppl juz understand and stop making me soo irritated and continue pissing me off...

well,

WATEVER.

i couldnt be bothered...

here's another xiao tou...
(oh...and its an indian xiao tou...)

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*ps: sorry for all the vulgarities... but i really cant take it anymore!!! luckily HO LF came out on time to relieve me...if not i think i will scream at the next idiotic patient that i see...*ROAR*

hey hey...
me juz back from hk...
for the 4th day i guess...
but i am still sooo tired...
waking up early at 7 plus and sleeping at 1 plus every single day,
with a 12 hours of non-stop walking on heels isnt something fun at all!!!
however, this trip is an eye-opener...

i always thought Singapore was REALLY advance in medical technology...
but i was WRONG!!

One Mountain still got Another Mountain Higher!!!

but we still not that bad nahz...
still consider we can deliver high standard of medical care...

anyway, this time back to hk,
brought back alot of memories...
the last time i went there was to celebrate his bday for him...
when he was in HK for an exchange program...

i still remembered it was meant to be a surprise!!!
but i kinda let the cat outta the bag...
lol...

i still remembered how everything went...
the 10 days i was there in HK with him....
and he skipped classes juz to accompany me thru the 10 days...

lol...

sweetest memories ever...
precious indeed...

anyway,
i gotta get back to me usual routine...
sleep early(at 6am) and wake up late(say 2pm???)

my biological clock totally hay wired after i went there...
when ppl forced us to have morning call at 630am, when we are only meeting at 9am...
(i got totally no idea why they gotta do this...)
and sleeping at 1am...and get up at 730am again the next day!!!!

argh!!!!
i hate office hours suddenly!!!
but i gian the wk end off...
haiz...
maybe i should juz stick to shift work for the time being...

am leaving on this coming tues...
for hongkok...

still got another free day to pack my stuff and all...
do some last min purchasing for some random toiletries...

am taking this chance to take a break too...
away from the noise, the confusion, the busy surroundings...
away from my usual place...

going into a new place,
new environment...
new friends,
new ppl i'm meeting everyday...
new things to discover...

its a form of escape i guess...
an extra space given to me to think and ponder thru questions and things that had happened...

come to think,
i should be BERY busy with my wedding preps...
and actually i am...
but my mind cant seem to be settled...

always taking other ppl's problem to tire myself out...
that seems to be one of my fav pastime...

maybe i am juz lidat....
maybe it juz runs in my bld...

this KPO character...

maybe i am really one...

hahahaha...

i dun know how to continue writing this entry...

i am tired...
worn out...

i have tonnes of words in my heart,
but i cant express it...
not at this point of time...

maybe there are many many misunderstandings...
but i am not really ready to find out wats really going on...
i need time to juz rest my mind...
and carry on with life...

so does all my friends...
those whom i loved and cared...

if u ask me if its all worth it?

then my answer would be a DEFINITE NO!!!

but i still cant hide how upset i am...
i am really bad with hiding my emotions...
or maybe bcoz i do feel and really cared...

or maybe bcoz i've been there and felt EXACTLY (well, maybe almost exactly) how u feel...
i am saying from a guo lai ren's POV...

if all u want from me is to say wat u desire to hear...
then i am sorry...
i am not that sort of friend...

i said nasty things...
all bcoz i cared...

maybe i am juz too emotionally involved...
too into it as if its my own business....

maybe in the first place i should have drawn a line...
a marking to where i should have stop...

but now its too late...
i had gone way beyond where i should have been...

maybe i should juz let go and forget abt all...
afterall, its not something that i am in control...

i like chatting with kev...
somehow he has the ability to make ppl wanna pour their soul and spirit out when talking to him...

maybe bcoz he is not involved...
thus he is able to see a clearer and more objective view abt alot of things...

hmmm...

anyway, it doesnt matter now...

i am juz tired...
and i juz wanna forget and get on with life...

may all this be juz a nightmare...
that was neber REAL...

was able to be in traige for consecative 3 nights...
not bad liao...

all thankz to my dear colleagues who are soo lovable and caring to change assignment with a swollen eyelid girl...

i was neber more thankful...

but my break was like split into 4 parts,
all thanks to doris who neber fail to call resus (always)...

i was all too free and i decided to resume blogging..

actually i had several unfinished entries...
that i dun think i am gonna finish typing them...
its pointess...
i already kinda forgotten how i feel at that instant when i was writing it...

so i had decided to delete them...

blogger had getting really irritating when i try to add picts...
well, since a long long long long long time they had been this irritating...

so i will totally boycott bloger when u wanna load any photos...

my fans who wanna see more updated photos of me,
can visit my facebook then...
thou i may start to boycott Facebook too...
as its starting to get boring, and irritating...
but we'll see how it goes...
at the mean time, it still a good and fast way to load and store my pict on cyberspace...

so i guess its juz gonna be words and words in this place...
maybe i should go for more short short entries...

well.
i'll try to keep everything sweet and short...
simple and nice..

alrite, i will juz stop here then. bye

i cant apologise more tat my blog is sooo badly maintained...
hmmm...
i am not that IT-savy after all...

had been loking thru blogger.com,
searching for nice blogskin but i found none...

its hubbie's bday...
and i juz wanna say a big...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant emphasize more...
abt how fortunate i am, to be able to find ya....

well....
i am a xiao jie...
and i have a bery xiao jie pi qi...
(yeah...i know i got bery bad temper... and u always call me nano-gas...)

*ps: i had goggled over the net and this is wat i found on wikipedia
Nano means something very small. It comes from the Greek word nanos (νάνος) which means dwarf.
*pps: i am obvious NOT a Dwarf!!! but well, maybe i AM a little more difficult to handle...this i agree...lol...

but deep down u know i still love u...
(despite me throwing my tantrum around(alot)...lol...)

hmmmm...
our wedding's round the corner...
and i am recently REALLY busy with my eyes surgery etc...
so i have yet to find time to really get ur present and stuff...
but i hope u will love wat i am planing to get for u...

well, i really really hope so!!
i am not a good gf,
but neither are u a GOOD bf lohz!!!

u already kinda predicted wat i gonna buy!!!
and u are really a surprise spoiler by saying eh, u shouldnt buy this nahz..waste money etc etc...

BLOODY HELL!!!

juz like grace lidat!!

SICK IN THE MIND!!

lol...

anyway, i gonna end my blog here...

been huanting by the endless "xiao-tou" coming my way...

argh!!!!

the curse of blogging during night shift....

finally...

i got my eye job done...
and going thru the healing process now...

argh!!
its indeed tough...

walking around with a swollen pair of eyes isnt wat i wanna be seen with...
still healing takes time...

and yeah...
i am that sort of impatient bitch...

am heading to HK in 8 days time...
for some educational trip that MOH organised...

well,
i am kinda looking forward,
but at the same time i am not...
well, partly due to my swollen eyes,
another thing is that i wont be able to spend much time with him over that wk end...

haiz...

izzit that i am pms-ing...
or i juz simply love to be affected by other ppl's problem...

when the whole world thinks it has nothing gonna do with them...
its only me that is left to feel pissed and angry over the whole matter...
i mean...
i oso dun know why...
but i juz felt pissed...

the same kinda pissed feeling when she left us...
not really a sense of betrayal...
but feels like we cannot be trusted and watever we say simply holds no weight in ppl's heart...

maybe we are not their real friends...

i dun know...

something that kevin told me the other night...

abt woman being a powerful creature...

he said "Behind every successful man, there is forever a strong woman..."

will, i guess we heard abt this a 100000000 times...
but who ever ponder wat this phrase really means?

well,
at least i did...

I always thought that behind every successful man, there will always be a woman who:

1. helps to take care of his kids while he slog his life @ work.
2. prepare his dinner and wait patiently for him to come home.
3. take care of his daily laundry and washing stuff.
4. clear up the house/the mess that the kids made.
5. lie in bed and wait for her man to be home.
6. be his sex slave and make all his fantasies come true.
7. neber ask wat he is doing outside.

last but not least,
8. make him feel like he's the KING...

hubbie always says as long as i take care of the things at home and put his mind in peace,
well knowing that somebody is jagar-ing his home for him...
so he could have a peaceful mind and go all out and fight in his career and provide his best for his family...

maybe thats from a man's POV...

but kev instill a new thinking into me...

he said... its all abt POP...

POWER OF the PUSSY!!!

well...please dun get me wrong...its not that "pussy" u are thinking abt...

like shooting ping pong ball using ur uhem... down there...
or hiding some razor blades inside us...
(liek those thai-show stunt...lol..)

but its all abt the POWER of WOMAN...

we have certain powers,
or rather we can manipulate ppl using their love for us/ sexual desire for us to achieve somethings...
of course i dun mean like get me a drink and i will bed u??

no no...thats not wat i mean...

well, many man think with their head...
0.00001% big head and 99.99999% with their small head...

so well basically man is a pretty easy animal to control...
but why is there so many heart breaking bastards out there???

we blame no one but ourselves...

we are the one that open ourselves to all these hurts...
we are the one that asked for it...
we are the one that is not strong enough and fumble at their feet...
we let our heart to play us out....

i had neber seen many woman exercising their power...
well, at least not the ppl around me...
not even myself...

we give in too easily...
we cant let go...
we hold on to useless relationship...
we hate the feeling of losing...
we hate that heartache...

we are stupid woman...

but who dun fall and learn their lesson?

well, at least i look back,
and saw my old scars...
i am glad that i had them to keep...

it reminds me of how badly i was hurt the other time,
how much pain i went thru,
how much tears i shed,

and how fortunate i am now...
how i rip the fruits of wat i sowed...

heartaches are meant to be accepted and lessons are meant to be learnt...
but not meant to be kept in ur heart to torture u till ur death bed...

when are u going to wake up and accept that wat u want isnt really HIM?
when are u going to realise that he can give u nothing?
when can u let go of ur past and accept that things are neber gonna be the same?
when can u understand that u and him are already in the history?

i felt sad when my friend told me that i dun understand..
maybe i really dont...
at least thats wat she feels...

if thats wat keeps u happy, by all means...
i juz hope that history do not repeat itself...

T.C.