we had another quarrel yest...
erm...
not really a bery bery bad one...
neither izzit juz a small tiff...

but he had finally made me realised one impt thing...
something that i had always failed to see...
to see in him...

he ask whether can i feel that he loves me...

my answer is no...
i cant...

he broke down...

he came and asked again...
whether do i love him then...

my answer is dun know...

he broke down again...

as the time goes by...
i juz feel that our life had somehow reach the bottle neck...
its like we are together for the sake that we are together...
and there is no other meaning in being together...

we still argue...
we still quarrel...
we still scold and yell at each other...
we are still angry and pissed with each other...

he said i have a bery bad temper and i am always very demanding...

well,
i couldn't help myself but agree with him...

maybe wat had happened had make me a changed person...

a more selfish person perhaps...
someone who juz cant trust and believe anyone else anymore...
someone who is so afraid to get hurt (again) and juz wanna protect herself...
even at the expense of others...
even her closest one...
someone who is getting more and more beautiful on the outside...
but with an ugly heart...

maybe i am turning into such a person...

maybe not to everyone...
but at least...
he feels that way...

nevertheless...
he told me that he had been putting up with all my nonsense...
all my scolding, harsh languages, shouting, even all the humiliation that i put him thru...

he's tolerating it....

at the end of the day...

he juz wants me to be happy...
he juz wanna see a smile on my face...
he juz wanna hug me to sleep and complete my day with a smile...

however, everytime i got angry and irritated.
he feels upset...
bcoz eventually he knows that he's gonna complete my day with a smile...
he knows that i wont be happy....

all that he wants is for me to be happy...
thats his agenda...
its that simple...

he said...
he has alot of important things in his life now...

his parents...
his career...
his car...
to start a family...
etc etc...

but the bottom line is...

I top the list...

no...i didnt hear him wrongly...

I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN HIS LIFE NOW...

all the things he has done...was juz for me...
get a good job...
so we could quickly start a family...
to build our dream home...
have enough money to buy me my fav KTV system...
buy me a lil puppy that i had always wanted ever since i was a little girl...
to get a car so i dun need to squeeze with others in public transport next time...
to give me and our children a stable and lovely home...

well,
i neber know that i am this important to him...
i neber thought that he really loved me this much...
he rather turn his parents down and disappoint them...
juz bcoz he wana make me happy and not wanting to lose me...

i mean...
i really didnt know....
and i juz so stubborn thinking that i lead my own life...
thinking that no one can force me to do wat i dun wanna do...

haiz...

i am disappointed with myself...
big big time..

i should juz start changing my thinking...
and see things from a bigger picture...
to start to think more maturely...

haiz...