juz woke up from my beauty sleep...
its been so long that i managed to sleep for a full 8 hrs!!
but with pee breaks in between...
hahha...

outside is pouring so heavily...
it seems to be raining like forever...

somehow its reflecting how i am feeling now...
its raining so heavily in my heart...

he texted me yest while i was on my way to work...
saying that he's gonna come over tonight...
whether i want or not...

i cant say i want or i dun want...
i dun even know wat i want now...

i was on the bus then...
and its juz like now...
its raining heavily...

i was thinking abt wats gonna happen tonight if he's gonna come over...
wat are the things that he will say...
and wat if he didnt say anything...
or wat if he's still the same??
not thinking through and not mending his old ways??
wat if things remained the same, unchanged??

as i was looking out the misty window...
watching the rain drops streaming down the glass panels...
it resembles how my tears are flowing down my face...
and how my heart is bleeding...

drops after drops...
it never cease...

sometimes i really admire Joycelyn..
how much courage she have to let go of a 3 yrs relationship...
and went over to aussie to work...

then she told me...

sometimes we juz got to let go...
and see if it will return to u or not...
whether if it really belongs to u...

sometimes its a way to avoid...
avoid being hurt...
thats why she chose to leave...

but its fate...
if its meant to be, its meant to be...
if its not,
no matter how hard u try...
its not gona work out...

and now she is a happy woman...
waiting for her bf to fetch her back from aussie...
and propose to her...
she's juz waiting for that day to come...

i am juz so happy for her...
at least she found her happiness...

but...

where is mine then???

when will i find it??

or will i ever find it??

thats another question that i juz dun wanna face...

the air around me is so cold...
seems to make my heart even more numb...
numb to the aching thats constantly torturing me...

but why is it still so painful??
till i am losing myself??