gonna do my first night today...
and after this i am finally able to njoy a wkend off after 1 month of hard work...
was actually kinda looking forward...
but now...
i dun know...

was chatting with kev for the whole night...
from..erm... 2am to like close to 6am..
think this was the first time me and him ever talk for so damn long!!!
hahahaha...

was looking for someone to share my burden actually...
he was like counselling me...
after all he really had tonnes of experience in life...
after being a father of 4 kids...

was telling him wats going on...
how i was feeling etc...

i was confused abt wat i should do...
a part of me says that i am tired...
and i should juz let it go...

but yet another part of me still says that i miss him...
and i should strive on...

his friend said that if we gonna break off...
i will definitely be at the losing end...
i am angry at first...

thinking... how will i lose out...
i will probably be over it soon...
thou feeling upset is unavoidable...

then kev told me...
"yes, i agree with wat his friend said...
u will definitely be the one losing out...
u give him urself...
u give him ur time...
ur youth...
ur everything...
u had worked so hard...
and come so far...
all these is wat money cant buy...
u are the one who tolerating all these now...
if u let go now...
u will definitely be the one losing out..."

but then again...
wat if i chose to persist on...
and wat if i marry the wrong man...
wat if my decisions were wrong....
am i not gonna lose out even more next time??

i am juz so confused...
my mind in a total mess...

kev told me one word can simply sum up all the problems i am having...
its the root cause...

Insecurity...

i asked him why??

then he asked me me...

kev: Why did you love him?

andie:
he buys stuff that i like for me...
he paid for my yoga classes...
he bought a diamond ring for me...
he proposed to me...

kev: fuck lahz!!! not abt money nahz!!! i can oso proposed to anyone!!! so wat!!! wat do u like abt his character??

*i am stuck*

kev: when is the last time u njoy his company? when is the last time u feel happy being with him alone?

andie: probably abt a few months ago when we had a good chat in esplanade... but then subsequently, we started quarreling already... and the relationship was strain till now....

kev: when is the last time u guys compliment each other?

andie: i always say he shuai shuai de... but he hardly ever say i look good... he always say ur thighs are still big... ur breast are getting smaller... ur tummy still bulging... u are still pretty heavy...erm..u look quite slim in this dress...but still abit fat... u should exercise more...

kev: did u guys flirt with each other??

andie: i doubt he has that sense of humour to realise that i am flirting with him...

kev: wat do u want from him exactly??

andie: i juz need my man to pamper me... to love me... to cherish me... to constantly tell me that i am wanted by him...
but all the quarreling and shouting at each other...
it juz pushes me further and further away from him...
seems like i am not wanted...
seems like i am not cherished....

kev: yes...i agree... who wont wanna feel pampered?? i mean which woman dun want??
think u guys juz dun feel secure with each other... try to sit down and talk..and go back to the basic... like telling each other why u guys fall in love... wat u like abt him and wat he likes abt u??

andie: but i am tired kev... i am tired of trying... wat if it still goes back to square 1? wat if nothing gonna change... wat if history repeats itself?? i got totally no confident in us anymore... i am juz sick of trying...

kev: why not try for the last time... if it still cant work out... at least u wont regret next time after u let go... at least u know u did try...

haiz...

i really dun know...
wat he says keeps running thru my head...

should i really go for it?
or juz chose to forget abt it??

should i listen to my mind..
or my heart...

does anyone have an answer for me??